Two Years and Counting

I’m here making what is probably my last post at this site. However I’ve started a new blog, and if there’s anyone still reading, I’d love for you to come to the new site. First though, I’d like to explain why I’m leaving this blog. This blog, and more importantly, other girls’ blogs in the infertility community, were a sort of refuge for me during our two year journey to getting pregnant. It was so helpful to read your stories and to contribute my own. Once we finally did become pregnant, and especially after I had Kate, I struggled with what to post here, what I wanted to say. I would get an idea of something I wanted to write about, but then would never follow through with actually coming to the blog to write it. I decided it was because to me, my blog represents a really difficult period in my life. And I decided I needed a fresh start. (Although I’m not so naive as to to think that we’ll never walk the infertility road again. While it’s our prayer that we’ll be able to get pregnant on our own the next time around, I know that may not happen.)

I’d still love  to participate in the wonderful community of women that the internet makes possible, and while this particular blog is hard for me to return to, please know I don’t feel that way about your blogs! I still read your blogs, even if I don’t comment. I rejoice with you and sorrow with you. And if any of you would like to follow my experience in new motherhood and all that entails (tears, joys, spit up, burps, baby laughs, baby blues, prayers, fervent prayers!, questions, fears, and hopes), I’d love to see you there.

www.myordinarydays.wordpress.com

Love, Lauren

Sorry for the late update, and this one will probably be short and sweet. I’ve hardly had a second to get on the computer in the last week, and I just have a few minutes now.

Kate is here! She arrived about a week and a half ago, Wednesday November 11 at 3:55pm after about 8 hours of labor–5 of which were really productive and promising–but which ended with a c-section. The night before, I had a cervical catheter put in, which caused extreme cramping. Definitely not a fun thing. I had to get pain medicine when I couldn’t handle it anymore. The pain medicine made me get sick a couple of times, which isn’t unusual for me. Me and pain meds usually don’t mix well together. The next morning, they broke my water at 6, and by 7:50 I was at 5 cm! I kind of freaked out because I know people usually have their epidurals by then, but I wasn’t in any pain at all at that point. However, I was scared of getting to the point that I was at the night before with the cramping, so I didn’t wait too long before asking for the epi. That wasn’t bad either. I kept jumping when he’d do anything, and he had to keep telling me to stop moving and relax my shoulders, but it didn’t really hurt. By 11 I was at 9 cm, and started pushing at 11:40. All the nurses were saying, “This baby is coming so fast, you’re going to be out of here by lunchtime!” They all made me feel like I could really do it, that this baby was really coming. And the weird thing was, the labor and pushing process wasn’t near as bad as I’d made it out to be in my head. I was so scared of the process, but this one nurse who sat with us the whole time was just so encouraging and sweet, and plus my husband was wonderfully supportive and helpful. As I was pushing, I kind of felt like superwoman, like what I was doing was proving myself somehow. I don’t know, that sounds weird.

Anyway, after those successful few hours, the brakes just hit. I had to have another dose of my epidural, which caused everything to fall completely asleep. Before, I still had control over my legs and could feel enough to know how to push, but with that extra boost, I couldn’t even tell if I was pushing. My pushes weren’t effective in getting Kate’s head under the pu.bic bone, and she couldn’t progress, so my doctor suggested the section. She said she could use the vacuum once or twice if we wanted, which we did, so we tried that but it still didn’t work. M and I were both really disappointed, especially since things had gone so well all morning. And I was scared of the surgery and the recovery. They took M to talk to our family and fill them in, and while he was gone, about a million people came into the room–more nurses, staff from the NICU just in case they were needed, and I don’t know who else. They wheeled me into the operating room and M joined me there. I was so nauseated from the epi and from whatever else they gave me for the section, that I was concentrating on not throwing up as they moved me from one bed to the other. The section itself wasn’t bad, but again, I was feeling so sick. It was over quickly and as soon as they lifted her from me I started crying. It was such relief knowing she was out and was ok–I heard everyone talking about how small she was and how cute she was, so I knew things were ok.

To make a long story short, she’s perfectly healthy, just teeny! 5 lbs 13 oz at birth! She dropped down to 5 lbs 7 oz in the hospital, but was already back up to her birth weight a few days later. We stayed in the hospital til Sat, then came home. My mom stayed with us that first week, and M’s mom has been here a couple nights. This first week has been really tough, to tell you the truth. Those first few nights of getting no sleep as we were figuring out feeding and sleeping, etc, was so hard. I was pretty tearful for several days, which is what happens to me when I don’t get any sleep. I won’t say we’ve turned a corner, but I will say we’re trying a few different things to help Kate sleep more between feedings at night (she sleeps like a champ during the day, but at night, likes to stay up between feedings, which means I’m up for hours at a time.) Last night was wonderful–M and I both got about 6 hours of sleep, so we’re going to try to duplicate what we did last night in the hopes that it’ll work again!

But overall, we’re over the moon about Kate. It’s still so surreal to have a baby. We both just are amazed that she’s here and that everything went so well. I now understand what people mean when they say being a mom is incredibly hard but incredibly wonderful. And I’m sure I’ll come to understand that even more. It’s just not anything I could have prepared for, no matter how many books i read about it. (Sort of like labor–that’s just something you have to go through to get it!)

Sorry for the scattered thoughts and incomplete update, but that’s all I’ve got time for! I hope you all are doing well.

Update after my appt yesterday: Due to the antibody I have and the heparin I’m on because of that antibody, as well as the tiny possibility the baby is growth restricted (even though she said her gut says that’s not the case), Dr G wants to induce labor before 40 weeks. I’m still only at 1 cm and about 60% effaced. She suggested inducing on Monday morning, but coming in on Sunday and having a cervical catheter put in to increase dilation to prepare for induction. I said since we’re planning and scheduling this thing, would it be possible to do it a bit later in the week so my husband wouldn’t have to take the entire week off work, and to make it easier for my out of town parents to be here. So, she said we could do the induction on Wednesday and the catheter Tuesday. That’s the plan as of now, I just have to wait for the scheduling lady to call me back to confirm that time. Also, the girl in scheduling mentioned staying overnight in the hospital after they put the catheter in. Dr G didn’t mention anything about that, and I assumed I’d be able to go home and come back the next morning for the induction. The girl is going to ask Dr G and let me know.

Do any of you know anything about this catheter business? I’ve looked it up on babyc.enter and it sounds like it’s used fairly often in preparation for induction. It also sounds like there’s a possibility it could be quite painful, but apparently they have pain meds you can use if necessary.

I’m excited we have a day, but also nervous! Since I know she’s coming next week, it almost feels like senior year when everything is your “last chance” to do this or that. Our last weekend together just the two of us, our last time to go to church just the two of us, my last few days to be lazy and relax with no responsibility, etc. It’s so hard to believe this baby is coming. I know a lot of people feel this way, maybe especially after a struggle with infertility, but I swear, I think I’m feeling it more than normal! I’m about to have a baby???! What the heck?! Don’t get me wrong, I’m so ready for her to be here and very excited to meet her. And my goodness, my husband is SO excited…but it just seems unbelievable that it’s all happening. And I don’t think the nerves are really going to go away. I’m not at the point where my stomach is in knots or anything–it probably won’t be like that. But I have this sense that this is going to be such a huge experience, probably painful at times (even though I’m planning on an epi.), probably scary at times, but ultimately (hopefully) wonderful…and I have absolutely nothing to compare it to to have any idea of what it’s going to be like. It’ll be a total surprise. I’m just really ready to get this show on the road! I’m ready for NEXT Thursday when it’s all over and she’s here!

Just a quick update to say no baby yet. I’ve officially entered the pretty miserable stage. And I feel sort of guilty saying that because my belly doesn’t look that big, so when people ask how I”m feeling and I say something to the effect of “Oh I’m making it,” I feel like they’re having to restrain themselves from rolling their eyes. But it’s what you can’t see! This baby dropped down low into my pelvis several weeks ago, and I think she’s dropped down even lower a couple times since then. Right now, if I’m up and active (cleaning house, grocery shopping, etc) for too long, I have to take to the couch for a while and lay down to take the pressure off my hips. The pressure is just pretty painful and I’ve started to have a pretty constant stomach ache along with abdominal cramps, which the nurse says is due to the baby putting on fat at this point which makes the uterus heavier, therefore more painful. She’s also directly on my bladder so having any urine at all in there feels like I have a gallon. Sleeping is a joke–I used to relish climbing into bed and snuggling down into the covers, knowing I had a good 8 hours of rest ahead of me. Now I sort of dread it because i know I’ll be up every two hours to pee (much like having a baby, I know!) and change positions. My back is hurting constantly–I even got up last night and tried sleeping on the couch because I’d have the back of the couch to support my back, but it didn’t help. Oh, and I have contractions all the time too, but that’s become fairly normal for me. I won’t even know what to do with myself after I have the baby and can move freely without any movement causing a contraction!

Now that I’ve vented all that–I can hardly complain because at this point in the pregnancy, all these things are completely normal and happening as they should. And I only have two weeks max left so I can put up with it! I don’t really complain much about it because, like I said, I almost feel like people are thinking “What the heck, she’s not big enough to be miserable,” but just because a belly is smaller than you’d expect doesn’t mean carrying that around isn’t painful! Just a word to the wise…

We’re so ready for Kate to get here. I have another appt on Wednesday and I’m hoping Dr G will discuss more in detail what my experience may potentially look like. I never thought I’d want to induce, but due to the heparin I have to take, knowing when labor would start would drastically reduce anxiety on my part. It’s tough taking these shots twice a day, every time hoping I’m not about to go into labor. (From what I understand, the heparin has to be out of your system before you can have an epidural, so I always worry that I’ll do the injection, then my water will break, and I’ll have to wait 12 hours before getting an epidural! Not my idea of fun.) So we’ll see what she says on Wed. I also hope I’m more dilated then. The doctor I saw last week didn’t check my cervix, so I don’t know if there’s been any change.

My family is on stand by, the car seat is in the car, the kitchen is stocked with canned soup, frozen chicken, and paper towels, the nursery is ready, I’ve had my hair cut, I need a pedicure, but these days, spending $25 on my toes seems unnecessary when there are so many other expenses…my bag is packed, the diapers are in the top drawer of the changing table, the baby clothes are washed….all we need is the baby!

**Below is what I posted today on our family blog. The only other thing I’ll add right now is that we were extremely frustrated with the appt with the maternal fetal specialist yesterday. Our copay for specialists is $50, and basicallyw e paid him $50 to tell us what we already knew ourselves. He just repeated himself about 4 times, saying the same thing over and over, and when he left, M and I both looked at each other with “what the heck was that?” faces. The ultrasound that the nurse did was helpful and reassuring since everything looked good and there was nothing that made them stop and say, “Oh, here’s the problem.” But the actual doctor seemed completely unnecessary, and the weekly non-stress tests are going to be a pain. I called this morning to ask the reasoning for the tests. I was wondering why they need to do the test to keep an eye on her, since there’s nothing they can do at this point to actually fix the fact that she’s a bit small, and I thought the test was unnecessary. But the nurse made me understand. The test will show her heart rate and whether or not the baby is in distress. If they see that there’s a problem, they can make the call to deliver her early if necessary. We definitely don’t want to miss any kind of distress…it just stinks that we’ll be paying $87 for each test. The medical bills seem unending these days!!**

So, here the actual post…

35 weeks and counting! “Small” seems to be the word these days in regards to Kate, which is ok by me. Last week at my appointment, they saw on the ultrasound that some of her measurements were lagging about a week behind, so they sent me to a maternal fetal doctor to make sure there weren’t any big problems we didn’t know about. Matt and I had that appointment yesterday. Basically, he didn’t say anything we couldn’t have said ourselves, which was pretty much, “Some babies are just meant to be small, and others should be bigger, but we won’t know for sure why your baby is small until she is born.” Big surprise there! He said 70% of small babies are meant to be that way (for example, because she has a small mom!), and in the other 30%, there’s a reason they’re small, but they can’t know that except in hindsight.

The nurse who did the ultrasound said Kate’s heart looked “beautiful,” her brain was functioning well, the cord was doing whatever it’s supposed to be doing, her organs look good, and all but one of her measurements were in a low percentile of growth, but within normal ranges. Her abdomen was lagging a bit behind, but she said their measurements are just an estimate and because everything else looked good, it should be fine. Her weight right now is 5 lbs, 6 oz, which means she gained 11 oz in one week. (The previous gain was 1 lb in 3 weeks, so she’s gaining weight more rapidly now.) They also said her estimated weight at delivery, IF I carry her to 39 weeks, is 6 lbs 14 oz. Again, that’s just an estimate, but makes me feel good that her weight is on track. The doctor did ask me to get weekly non-stress tests from here on out, so they can keep an eye on that one lagging measurement. They just hook me up to a monitor so they can track the baby’s heartbeat. I’ve already done it several times, so it’s not a big deal except that it’s expensive and our insurance doesn’t cover the whole amount. Bummer.

We’re thinking I may not carry her to 40 weeks because also at the appointment last week, the doctor discovered that I was dilated 1 cm, 50% effaced, and that Kate had already dropped down into my pelvis–which I could definitely tell. I think she’s even dropped lower since then! I have another appointment tomorrow, so I guess I’ll find out then. Part of me hopes I’m dilated even more, which would mean she’s coming soon, but I also hope she stays in long enough to get above 6 lbs. I don’t want her to come before she’s developed enough to be ok breathing on her own. I’m hoping to make it to 37 weeks. Especially now that I’ve taken on a freelance writing job that I really want to do well on! I’d like at least a week to finish that.

I’m feeling ok these days, just pretty uncomfortable. Because Kate is sitting so low in my pelvis, when she kicks (which is a LOT!) sometimes I feel these super sharp pains shooting down the back of my pelvis and the back of my legs. It’s such a strange and really painful feeling. They’re quick though, don’t last too long. Needless to say, I’m spending a lot of my time these days lying down–at least that way, gravity isn’t making her sit even heavier on my hips!

Baby showers are over, nursery is pretty much ready, car seat is installed. Except for a few small things, we’re ready. And if those small things don’t get accomplished before she gets here, it won’t be the end of the world. Matt and I are enjoying these last weeks of lying on the couch (or the bed, as that’s where I’m most comfortable) watching tv together and just enjoying each other. Not that we won’t be able to do that at all when she gets here, but it’ll definitely be different. Sometimes I worry about that–most of our friends talk about how hard it is to find time to spend together, but I can’t help but think it won’t be that way with us. I know I’m probably being naive, but it seems like with just one child, your hands aren’t as full as with two, and there will still be time for each other. This is such a joint effort, and I feel like this pregnancy has pulled us even closer, so I’m hoping that when Kate actually gets here, it’ll make us even closer and stronger.

Things are rolling along. I haven’t had anymore issues with too many contractions, and the bad pain hasn’t come back. Kate is kicking like a soccer player though, which is funny to me. Except at night when she starts moving and sometimes hits a certain spot low on my left side that hurts pretty bad. But it’s not excruciating. I’d rather her be kicking than not, of course.

I had our first baby shower last weekend, and it felt so special. My girlfriends really went all out for it. Most special of all, several of them made comments about how excited they were for us, especially since we all prayed for this baby for so long. The girls who gave it are the ones in my community group at church, and they all knew about our struggles to get pregnant. Once of the best parts of getting pregnant was telling them–they were all so much more excited than even I thought they’d be. It’s really sweet. We got a lot of precious little outfits and some practical things–a few packs of diapers, some lotions, our high chair and exersaucer. Fun stuff.

We’re actually headed to Mobile this weekend for another shower given by my mom’s girlfriends. It’ll be for my side of the family and some family friends. I’m slightly nervous about the trip down since the last time we went down, we ended up in L&D. I’m praying it doesn’t happen this time!

On Monday of this week I had another regular OB appt. My mom got to go with me since she was here for the shower. I saw another doctor–they make sure you meet all the doctors in the practice in case it’s someone else who delivers your baby. I told my mom beforehand that I wouldn’t be shocked if they say “She looks a bit small, let’s do an ultrasound.” Which is exactly what happened! Dr F. said it may be that we’re just small people (I’m very petite as I’ve said before, and my lanky mom was sitting there too) and that I may just have a small baby, but just to make sure (and since after feeling my belly, it felt like I may be measuring a bit “short”) she ordered an u/s. It was fine with me, and I wasn’t overly concerned since Dr F didn’t appear to be too concerned. She said if the tech says the baby is measuring in less than the 10th percentile, we’d need to come back to see her after the u/s, but anything above that would be fine. We had the u/s and everything looked great. She measured the abdomen and femur and a few other things, and the average percentile was 38%, which we were pretty happy with. The only thing the tech couldn’t get a good measurement on was her head, which was down very low, keeping her from being able to see it fully. It happened last time we had an u/s too. Because everything else is measuring well, she said she wasn’t concerned about the head measurement, and that she’d just put a note on the photos for Dr F saying she couldn’t get a good look at the head. I fully expect I’ll be sent back for another u/s at my next appt, so we’ll check the head again then.

Oh, we also didn’t get a clear look at her face because both her hands and feet were up in front of her face! She’s quite flexible.

I’m starting to have these flashes of panic every so often–I’m about to go through child birth and then I’ll be a mom and be expected to know how to do everything! The flashes only last a second, but in those flashes, there’s some real fear! I’m so excited about everything, but it’s scary too. I’m nervous about what childbirth will be like (I’m planning on an epidural, no natural childbirth for me)–whether I’ll be able to have a vagi.nal birth or if I’ll need a c-section, if I do need a c-section, what the recovery will be like, whether this heparin I’m taking will pose any kind of problem (which would come in the form of not being able to have the epidural as soon as I want it), and whether I’ll feel confident in my mothering abilities after having Kate or if I’ll be scared and fearful. I’m praying for confidence and strength, knowing that will come from God and not from me! I’m also praying for the ability to roll with the punches–I tend to like all my ducks in a row, like to feel in control of things, like to have things planned out, and I know that having a baby will just continue to disrupt my little ducks! I’m already learning big lessons on letting go of my need for order and control now while I’m pregnant, and I pray that I’ll be able to be at peace and accepting of all the changes that are to come. (Mind you, I know these are GOOD changes and I’m very excited about them, but for someone who likes order and plans, it is a disruption that requires getting used to.)

Our infertility struggle started the ball rolling for me in understanding once and for all that everything is out of my control–when I got pregnant, how this pregnancy will proceed, how Kate will be after I have her, etc. Control has been taken from me (or was never really mine in the first place!) and it’ll be out of my hands from here on out! But, there’s peace in that too. I believe God is in control of my life and of Kate’s, and I should rest in that.

After my last post where I said it’s been a mostly easy pregnancy, it seems like things fell apart for a week or so! Thankfully things have settled down mostly, but last week was not fun.

M and I went to visit my parents about 4 hours away for the weekend. Totally normal thing for us to do. We go all the time. That Friday evening in the car, I was having more BH contractions than is typical, but I figured it was just because of the position I was in, and the fact that I wasn’t drinking a lot of water (because I didn’t want to stop at every single gas station to pee!) I’d been feeling Braxton Hicks contractions since before 25 weeks–very irregular, here and there, not a big deal. On Saturday, my mom and I did a good bit of running around, visiting grandparents, etc, and I noticed the contractions that afternoon as coming more than usual. I went home and laid down on the couch for a while to get them to subside, but they kept coming. Not in an amount that was making me really worried, I just knew it was more than usual. Finally that night I decided to start writing down the times so I’d know how far apart they were. Of course, when I pulled out the pen and paper, they stopped. So I went to bed at a normal time.

After one of my trips to the bathroom at 4:30, I noticed them again, enough so that they kept me awake. I ended up not going back to sleep and timed them. I knew my doctor had said if you ever have more than 6 contractions in an hour to call, and there were a couple of hours there where I did have 6. I was getting increasingly worried, but didn’t want to be “that girl” who calls in the middle of the night or freaks out over nothing. I didn’t wake M up, but told him what was going on when he got up to run at 7. I told him to go on and get his run in, and that I’d call the on-call dr. in Bham to see what she has to say. (Again, I’m 4 hours away from my doctor.) I finally got her on the phone around 8. She asked me scary questions like “Have you ever been in for pre-term labor before” and finally said she’d be more comfortable if I were checked by someone to make sure I’m not dilated before we got back in the car to drive 4 hours to Bham.

Thankfully, my dad is a doctor and called an OB friend of his to see who was on call who could see me. We found someone at the hospital where he works, and off M and I go to Labor and Delivery! I was incredibly nervous and shaky, just not knowing what they’d tell me. To make a long story short (too late!) they put me on a fetal monitor and checked my cervix–baby’s heartbeat was strong and I was not dilated at all. He said it was BH like I thought, and to just keep an eye on how many I have.

So we head back to Bham. I’m feeling better, although still timing the contractions. A good bit under 6 an hour, so feeling ok about it. Well, fast forward to about 9pm that night and I start having these super sharp pains way down low in my abdomen. It hurt so bad, I could barely walk and couldn’t get in a comfortable position. I just sat there on the edge of the bed crying (more out of fear than pain) for about 20 minutes until finally, the pain subsided a bit. I figured if it was something serious, it wouldn’t have gone away. I was already planning on going in to see my regular doctor the next morning (Monday) and figured I could wait til then. I was able to get comfortably lying on my left side and had a fine night of sleep. Next morning, the pain was back, but it had localized on my left side, and it hurt. At one point, I had to go down to my knees and couldn’t leave the bathroom for a minute. I started wondering if it was just extreme gas pains becuase it was in my side, which is where I feel gas pain if I have it. (sorry for the TMI). I called the nurse as soon as the office opened and told her what had happened over the weekend and that I wanted to come in and be checked. They squeezed me in that morning and I was there forever! She checked my cervix again and said it was still tightly closed, no problems there. She didn’t seem to be too concerned about the pain, saying it was most likely either some round ligament pain or the baby could have had a growth spurt and my ligaments were just overtaxed. She also mentioned that I could have an “irritable uterus,” which basically means I feel contractions more and I have to take steps to keep them at bay. (I’ve read that it can cause you to go into labor earlier than usual, but I haven’t asked her about it yet.)  They put me on a fetal monitor again, which showed that Kate’s heartbeat was great (Dr G said she had “advanced” and that it sounded really strong for 29 weeks) and also I had an ultrasound, which showed everything to be fine. I asked her to look at see if there was a body part over on the left side where I was feeling so much pain. She said both her head and a foot were sort of crammed into my left side.

So, after finding out everything was normal and I and Kate were fine, I just had to deal with the pain, and keep an eye on the contractions. The pain didn’t let up for several days. I basically stayed on the couch for 3 or 4 days, because moving around was so painful. At one point, I got off the couch to go to the bathroom and literally hit my knees and couldn’t get up. (Also, at this point, the pain had moved to my right side!) I couldn’t straighten up and it hurt to lift my right leg to walk. So I just stayed there on my hands and knees for a minute until I could get to the bathroom. I started noticing that as soon as I would empty my bladder, I could stand up all the way and the pain would be much less.

After much reading, I learned that one way to keep the BJ contractions at bay is to drink a LOT of water, and to keep your bladder empty. So that has translated to drinking all day and peeing ALL day. It’s almost a burden to tell you the truth! But I can tell a big difference in my uterus if I have an empty bladder instead of an even partially full one.

That was all about a week ago. Since then, the pain has gone away entirely, thankfully. I do think my belly is looking much bigger, so I’m convinced Kate grew a bit all of the sudden and my ligaments and muscles just needed time to catch up. Also, the contractions have slowed. That, and I’m not as nervous about them. I’m more used to them now and know when it gets to a point when I need to start paying attention to their timing. I’m drinking water all day to keep myself hydrated, thereby decreasing their occurances.

I was really frustrated and teary last week because as soon as my back pain went away and I was getting excited about being able to get out and walk again, the darn contractions and pain started, keeping me even more stationary than I was before. I was depressed thinking that was what it’d be like for the next 10 weeks. But I really prayed about it it, asked God to give me a better attitude about it, and decided it was just something else to prepare me for the huge sacrifice that parenthood is. I was unable to do what I wanted to do (move around, run errands, exercise, etc) when I wanted to do it, which, hello, won’t get any better after the baby comes! I just tried to accept that my body and my life isn’t my own anymore and that control is something that is now far out of my grasp! I think that was a big lesson for me. This week has been much better and I’ve actually gotten out and walked every day, slowly, but still walking. I know what to avoid that will cause me to have the contractions, and I’m listening to my body and resting when needed. This will probably be what it’s like from here on out, really. I mean, I’ll be at 31 weeks on Friday, and that’s getting pretty close. I even read this morning that women who are on heparin therapy tend to give birth more around 37 weeks than 40–37 weeks only 6 weeks away!

M and I are in baby mode now, working on getting the nursery set up and the guest room upstairs finished so that just in case something happens and I have Kate earlier than expected, we won’t be totally unprepared. That’s sort of a scary thought, but I don’t want to be totally caught off guard. I have many questions to ask my doctor next time I see her, like whether or not she thinks I’m at any increased risk for preterm labor. I know no one ever knows that for sure, but I’d like to know if there’s a risk factor there. And I’m getting more and more nervous about being on heparin, but that’s another story, and this post is long enough!

This morning, M and I had to go back to our fertility clinic to have blood drawn. It’s required that people who have embryos (or any tissue) frozen to have blood drawn after 6 months to test for infectious diseases. I guess they want to make sure we don’t run out and engage in risky behavior while we have little lives preserved there. Who knows. Anyway, I had a bit of a hang up about going back there with my pregnant belly. I kept thinking about the women and couples who’d be there trying to conceive, and here I come walking in the door with a belly. I even apologized in my head as I opened the door. I had to hope that someone would think, “At least she got pregnant while using this clinic, maybe it’ll happen for me,” rather than “How dare she walk in here pregnant?” I remember having similar feelings when people woudl come in the waiting room with children. I’d always think, why in the world would you bring your kids here when you know everyone else is here trying to have their own? But now that I’m almost on the other side, I’m thinking that could easily be us in a couple of years if we’re unable to conceive a second child on our own. I’ll probably have to bring our little girl in there with me, and I’ll again be feeling sheepish about it.

Since those are my thoughts associated with returning to my fertility clinic in full bloom, I guess that may explain some of why I’ve been absent here. I’ve really been trying to figure out how to handle blogging at all. I do enjoy it, and I intend to document some of our pregnancy and our child’s life when she’s born, and I’m going to do that in a blog. It’s mainly for our scattered family members and friends who live in different places–a way for them to keep in touch. Also a friend told me about blurb.com, who will put your blog into a book, which I think would be a cool way to document each year. But I’m struggling with how I want to keep up with this blog. I definitely don’t want to approach this as having been just something to get me through those hard two years, and now that I’m pregnant, I don’t need this community any more. This arena was important to me, and reading all of your blogs was incredibly helpful for me as I treaded the infertility waters. And like I said, I may be back in the IF world again when we try for #2. I pray often that we will be able to conceive naturally, but who knows? I currently have two pregnant friends, both of whom conceived first children with IVF. One is pregnant through completely unexpected and natural means, and the other had IVF again. So I know it can go either way.

Since I’m here right now, here’s an update on where we are. I had my 28 week appt last week. Kate (her name is Katherine Grace and we’ll call her Kate) is measuring right where she should be and looks great. The fluid on her kidneys that we saw back at 20 weeks is completely gone, so that was a huge relief. It was also a huge relief that she’s still a girl! I started feeling a bit of anxiety that the sonographer would have read the u/s wrong and that she was actually a boy! Not that that would have been a bad thing, it would just have required a huge mental shift to go from “Kate” to “boy.” I also passed the glucose test, but just barely, which was a shock to me. I mean, I scored within 1 point of not passing. They said they’d just keep an eye on my urine tests to see if there’s any problem. Also, I’m very slightly anemic, so I’m starting taking an iron supplement once a day. (In addition to a calcium supplement twice a day to counteract any calcium suckage that’s going on due to the heparin (blood thinner) I have to inject twice a day. Lovely!)

Problems/issues: I’ve had a mostly easy pregnancy, I have to admit. Other than some issues getting used to eating much more often to stave off super weak/faint feelings at the beginning, I pretty much sailed through until 20 weeks, feeling, although not normal, mostly fine. That week, it was like it turned into a different pregnancy. My “regularity” hit the brakes and constipation became a big problem (sorry for TMI). It’s manageable now, but I have to take steps to keep things moving. That was also the week I started feeling Kate’s little kicks, which is by far the best part.

I also started having some sporadic back issues. More accurately, it was deep in the back of my pelvis, but saying back was just easier. It flared up here and there, but didn’t become a permant issue until around week 25. We went on a mini vacation to New Orleans and did a whole bunch of walking. Some time during that weekend, my back (read: pelvis) started hurting and didn’t stop. For the next 3 weeks, I was in fairly bad pain–sometimes it would flare up super bad to where it hurt to do anything–sit, stand, go from sitting to standing, go from standing to sitting, rolling over in bed, getting out of bed, bending, lifting, pulling, carrying, etc etc. Everything. The worst part has been that I basically had to stop exercising, which has been really hard. I long to go out and walk in the mornings, but I just can’t. I finally talked to a physical therapist friend who guessed it was my SI (sacro-iliac) joint that was causing the pain, but said I needed to see a prenatal PT. So I found one through the hospital and it’s been such a relief. I’ve seen her twice now, and within a few days of seeing her the first time, I already started to feel some relief. She agreed that it’s my SI joint, and it’s slipping in and out of place–when it’s out, that’s when it hurts the most, but even when it’s in, there’s still pain because the area is inflamed from the constant movement. Apparently, this is common in pregnant women because our joints are much looser and more prone to slipping. But, she said our goal is to get me back to where I can exercise walk, and that gives me hope! I am encouraged that, while not in any way back to normal, things are better. She’s given me exercises to do on my own daily, and showed me what to do when it’s hurting bad, meaning it’s slipped out of place, the goal being to prevent it from slipping out of place.

Other than the GI issues and the pelvis thing, I’m losing lots of hair! It’s strange because most women don’t lose any hair while pregnant and have this thick luxurious hair, then lose some after pregnancy. For me, I started losing much more than normal about 6 weeks ago. Lucky for me, I started out with really thick hair, so the average person can’t tell my hair is any thinner, but I can absolutely tell. It’s pretty annoying, and it worries me a bit that if the typical after-delivery hair loss happens to me, I’ll have some serious problems! My doctor says it is possible to lose more hair while you’re pregnant, and I can chalk it up to hormones.

The heparin. The twice daily injections are really becoming a burden. My thighs and belly are bruised and tired of being poked! The “pregnancy brain,” something I thought was just a cliche, is totally alive and well. I do and say stupid things! Your brain really is partly fried during pregnancy. I’m having to get used to getting tired more easily than I used to. I keep feeling like I need to defend myself–“I’m not usually this weak!” After lugging a load of groceries to the car, I always flop in the driver seat and just breathe for a minute or do. It wipes me out!

But overall, I’m ecstatic to be pregnant. I even enjoy seeing my belly get bigger–although it’s weird to see yourself looking so different. My husband and I both sometimes just laugh at how crazy it is to be so different. My good friend who also walked the IF road, just had her baby girl on Friday, and we’re a bit jealous! We’re beyond happy for them to have a healthy baby girl and for my friend to be feeling so well, but we wish we could meet our little girl too! I have such mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m so not ready for her to come–as in, her room is no where near being ready, we haven’t had any showers so we hardly have anything except a crib with no bedding, a changing table, a few packs of diapers, and summer clothes for next summer that I’ve bought on sale! Plus, I feel like I have no idea how to take care of a baby! But on the other hand, Nov. can’t come fast enough–we’re ready to see her!

So, that’s where I’ve been. I’ve been keeping up with your blogs, even though I haven’t been keeping up with mine. I rejoice with those of you who have had good news lately, and think of those of you still “in the trenches.”

I’ll try to come back and update again soon.

It’s a girl! We had our 20 week appt on Thursday and found out the news. I have to admit, right when she said “it’s a girl!” my first thought was, “Huh?” I didn’t realize it until right then, but I think I was expecting a boy. But I’ve pretty much settled into the idea of a girl. We’ve told many of our friends and my husband’s parents, but we’re not telling my parents until next weekend when we see them in person. It’s SO hard to talk to my mom on the phone and not tell her! I’ve had to lie through my teeth, telling her we’re not finding out until the week after the 4th of July. Telling M’s mom today was really fun, and I can’t wait to tell my mom!

I figured I’d immediately go out and buy something as soon as I found out what we were having, but I haven’t bought anything yet. I’ve found the baby book I want, and I’ve made some decisions as far as infant car seat, stroller, etc, but I feel like the first item of clothing I buy this girl is important–I want to get just the right thing. So when she’s 20, I can say, “This is the first thing I ever bought you!” I already have a bag of girl clothes my friend picked up from a yard sale a friend of hers was having, and this kid already has blankets out the wazoo thanks to my mother in law. I suppose I need to start buying stuff myself.

One thing the tech did notice on the ultrasound, and that the doctor confirmed, is that our baby has some fluid that has collected on her kidneys, meaning it’s not draining as it should. They said a lot of times babies grow out of it as they continue developing. We’re getting another u/s at 28 weeks to see if the fluid is still there. If not, great, and if it is, she’ll refer us to a high risk doctor for another u/s. She said most likely, he’ll say, “Can it be a sign of a chromosomal abnormality? Yes, but there’s still a good chance she’ll grow out of it, and we’re just going to wait and see what happens.” I feel pretty confident with this doctor that if there was a reason for us to worry right now, she’d tell us. Yes, it’s a tad annoying to have to think about it for the next 8 weeks, but I’m doing pretty good not worrying about it. If it turns out to be anything more than reflux (which is what the tech said it can sometimes indicate), we’ll deal with it when the time comes.

Other than that, she said the measurements were all good and normal. She didn’t measure my uterus, like she did last time, and I didn’t think at the time to ask her about it. Sometimes I feel like girls on blogs and in forums come away from their appointments with so much more info than I have…all these numbers and stats and things that my doctor doesn’t mention and that I don’t know to ask. I’m 100% confident in our doctor and the practice she’s in, so I know it’s not that she’s not taking good care of me. It may just be that I’m trying to have the attitude she has, which so far as been positive and laid back, and I’m making a big effort not to freak myself out too much so I’m not reading a ton online about measurements, stats, etc. And I’m ok with that right now.

I see I haven’t updated here in a while. Every time I’m on the computer and I think about updating, I wonder what I’ll write about. I think it’s partly the fact that I started this blog as a place to vent frustrations about infertility and connect with others going through the same thing (which proved to be so valuable to me), and now that I’m pregnant, I’m wondering what to write about without making anyone uncomfortable and/or sad…and partly because maybe I’m afraid I’ll jinx all this if I talk about it too much! Seriously, I know how sensitive I was (and in some ways still am…more about this later) when I was trying to get pregnant and heard someone talking about her pregnancy or new baby. Granted this is a little different because someone can choose not to read my blog anymore if it bothers them (and I wouldn’t blame them at all) whereas if you’re in conversation with someone who starts to talk to you about their baby, there’s nothing you can do except try to wait until you’re alone before you start to cry (or was I the only one who did that?!)

So, I struggle a bit with how to approach this blog now. I definately desire a place where I can talk about things that are on my mind and connect with other people, pregnant or not. But I don’t want to hurt anyone who is still on the journey to conceive. So, even if I talk about things having to do with my pregnancy or pregnancy in general, please know that in my day to day life, I strive very hard to not hurt anyone who may be on that journey, and I watch what I say as much as possible when I’m around people whose whole stories I do not know.

So, all that said, I’m 17 weeks and doing well. I missed out on morning sickness, which made me very happy and feel very lucky, as I have many friends not so lucky. We find out the se.x in about two and a half weeks. Things are definitely feeling more real now, as I have a small bump and have had such strange changes in my body. Some of them you’re prepared for–weight gain, bbs getting bigger, having to eat more often–but others have been surprises. I have the oddest pang and twitches in my belly from time to time. Not the baby-kicking kind of twitches–I haven’t felt those yet. But just other pains and things that come and go. I’ve had a bit of round ligament pain…that comes mainly when I stand up quickly or change positions quickly. It can be a really stabbing pain that catches me off guard, but it only lasts a couple of seconds. Yesterday I was feeling more regular, but much less painful, twinges, off and on all day. I didn’t call the nurse because I didn’t want to be “that girl” who calls with every pain. But I did call today just to let her reassure me that it’s RLP and not something else, which she did. I’m sure they’re used to women calling often.

I’m also burping a lot, and my hunger pains come on very forcefully and without warning. In the beginning, I was eating literally every two hours. I could almost time the hunger pains… I knew exactly when they’d be coming. Now, it’s not as regular, but when they do hit, boy I better have something to eat on hand. And I’m eating mostly healthy snacks. I’ve tried hard to not give into every craving of salty potato chips (my only true craving, other than cold OJ), and am trying to stick to fruit, cheese, nuts, peanut butter, etc.

I’m getting better with the resentment of other women who get pregnant (I think I mentioned that in an earlier post.) However, I still find myself feeling uncomfortable sometimes around babies. It’s weird-I’d think most pregnant women get excited to see and play with babies, but I still find myself having the familiar feelings of “That’s not for me”–feelings I had during our two year IF struggle. A few weekends ago, we were at the beach and ran into some friends of my parents, and they were holding their precious 6 month old grandbaby. M and I were sitting facing towards each other on two lounge chairs, and they were standing sort of behind me. The whole time they were there, I could hardly look at them–even though by next summer, my parents will be doing the exact same thing with my baby! I just felt like I needed to keep my face forward and not look at them too much. I think the feelings that carved themselves out a place in my brain during that time are sticking around, even though I am pregnant, and God willing, I will have one of those babies in November. It just still feels like babies and mothers with babies are part of a world that I’m not a part of. Maybe those feelings won’t truly go away until I am holding this little one.

I’m not as scared that something bad will happen to this pregnancy. At 17 weeks, I’m digesting the fact that chances are, I’ll have this baby as planned. I’ve passed the “dangerous” time (although we know anything can happen at any time), and a friend pointed out yesterday that it’s not too far off til I’m at the point where if something did happen and I went into early labor, the baby would have a decent chance of being ok. M and I have decided to not having any testing done on this baby–tests to determine abnormalities like Downs Syndrome. We thought about it and asked our doctor for her opinion, and she said if we wouldn’t do anything if we found out there was a potential problem (i.e., we wouldn’t have an abortion, which we wouldn’t) then she’d suggest we not do the testing. She said if she thought I needed to do it, if I were a higher risk, she’d tell me, but that it would be fine if I decided not to. She also pointed out that there’s a decent chance of false positives with the tests, and that it could pick up an abnormality when there really isn’t anything there. I know my tendency to worry, and I know that if we got any abnormal tests, I would worry and wouldn’t be able to enjoy the pregnancy. We’re just going to trust that God will give us the baby He intends for us to have.

Other than that, I’m furiously reading through Baby Bargains, and trying to make decisions on strollers and car seats, so when it comes time to register, I’m ready. I’m a planner and I like to have all the facts before I make a decision, and this book is fabulous in that it gives you so much information about every crib, stroller, car seat, baby monitor, that you hardly have to do any “test-driving” in the store–you can almost just buy what they recommend. It’s a life-saver, since all this stuff is totally new to me. It’s like learning a new language!

I hope everyone is doing well. I’m keeping up with many of your blogs even though I haven’t been updating here often and am not commenting much.

P.S. Has anyone heard of any cute (but not cheesy) ideas for fathers day for fathers-to-be? I’m drawing a blank.